Sunday, June 15, 2008

The Rewrite

I have always felt that with a good editor, anybody's life can be at least vaguely interesting.... Though sometimes it reminds me of cutting away the bad parts of a fruit or vegetable and you keep cutting and cutting and then look down and think compost. My life lately has been more compost than fruit, so I thought I'd do a little proactive rewriting. The unsullied truth is, I make a buck a few different ways... one of which is picking up some evening hours at a department store. Last night Jerod Mayo (top draft pick for the New England Patriots) walked in and bought some stuff with a buddy, whom I think might be Wheatley though I could be wrong.

And now to sully the truth. Instead of being a middle aged lady with bad hair bad skin and bad attitude (I mean honestly, what can be worse than a star struck slob?) that spotted this poor fellow and slipped behind the register just in time.... well. I wouldn't want to edit out that slick move. Or my obvious dexterity with the register. Or my recently elbowed out of the way coworker and her look of light befuddlement. Or even my statement of "cool" when I saw his name pop up on the screen because I like the word cool and always have. Someday it might even come back in fashion. Nah. What I'd change is, I'd leave on one security tag. Black Label clothing has a gazillion security thingies on it... 2 to be exact. One regular and one extra pain. It would've been so understandable to accidently leave on one. Mayo even said "don't forget any!" Apparently this is a part of the Patriot's football introduction routine for all rookies. Don't buzz when leaving a department store! Can't you just see Coach Belichick saying that? I can't, but hey.

Not to pick on the store's security guys but it could've been entertaining. An attempted flying tackle by one of the security guys and Mayo looks down at the desperate clinging to his ankle like "Zup? Drop some change?" Belichick's voice booming over the buzzer's mild fart "Mayo that's it we're trading you to the Zets! You were told NO BUZZING ALLOWED!" And Mayo just sort of standing there, slightly shaking his foot, wondering if the fellow down there was finished playing with his shoelaces or whatever he was doing. And wondering if the Zets are some *cool* intergalactic team before he remembers Belichick has difficulty opening his mouth when he says "Jets" and that he probably means... ohhh NOOOOOO!

Well. Welcome to New England, Jerod Mayo.


Chucka Stone Designs said...

lol, classic! Must have been fun to meet him. I wouldn't have known him without a helmet if I tripped over his body on my way out the door so I applaud you for your obvious coolness of recognizing him so you could elbow co-workers out of the way to ring him up.

Cool is the new black.

Suldog said...

"The unsullied truth..."

I resent that!

"And now to sully the truth..."

I resent that even more!

(Of course, in most instances, the truth is best left un-sullivanized, but still, I have to protest out of force of habit :-) )

Chris Stone said...

Jenn, he was built like a linebacker. ;) It helped that his buddy was wearing a Pats training camp T shirt. One of the ones that's only given out to team members. But, I think I would've spotted Mayo anyway.

And Suldog? now you've got me wondering about the root of "sully." What were your ancestors up to?

Anonymous said...

Great Post! Thanks for the wonderful laugh to start my day.
A star struck slob - priceless! and by the way, I'm on the bring "cool" back committee, it's an uphill battle, but we're getting there:)
Thanks again

Elise of Argyle Whale said...

Oh no! 'cool' isn't an appropriate phrase anymore? Lets bring it back!